| Other Subjects and Observations |
[Oct. 18th, 2009|04:51 pm] |
And so I was wondering...
If I walk into Borders and they ask - Can I help you? Is it within my rights to say, "Yes. You can do patrol a five foot perimeter and let your fellow staffers know that I do NOT need their help. That way I can roam the store as is my want, and enjoy myself without needless interuption." Is that rude? It's not that I want to hurt anyone's feelings - but I do know where the information desk is. Are there really people who are too dumb to find it?
OK. To be fair - one of my husbands favorite shopping stories involves Christmas shopping at Borders. A mother and daughter (my guess but unconfirmed) were wandering and loudly discussing books for a son. The daughter picked up a book and said, "I really think he'd like this." Mom answers, "No, no. I found the one for him. He'll like it. It's THICK!"
I kid you not, choose a book due to width! Not content.
I also wondered...is ok not to like a writer and still want to be one? I've heard it's a small industry and being "honest" isn't too your advantage. The truth is there are authors I don't like, that isn't saying I can't find redeeming qualities in their work, but I don't have to like everyone do I? That's a little more sucking up than I think I can handle.
Next topic, NANO - I'm so nervous this year - but my goal is to wrap it in a bow and present it to DII by December - then join in the group full time. I'd like to get the polish on it and get it out by June for the rounds. I really - REALLY need to get it all done.
oooh...cookies are done... |
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| Brains.... |
[Oct. 10th, 2009|09:32 pm] |
OK, Zombie Walk was fun but I am SOOOO sore. Our outfits were a big hit even if it wasn't what I had originally planned. Had a blast! It was so darn cold! 41 degrees all day...sheesh it will be 70 by Tuesday.
I'm so so excited! Turns out Corbett came to Kansas! This was the historic point I was looking for and I will be doing some more writing...once I wash off the face paint and blood. I'm all itchy right now! |
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| Interlude |
[Oct. 6th, 2009|08:29 pm] |
So I've finished a short and about to send it out for the "rounds". I was going to ask Domy to proof it once but the email bounced so I am thinking that's not meant to be. I'll probably be back to DII once I get my two acceptances and the first five chapters of this novel done - the rest outlined. I don't know how D does it, because I find myself spending more time on other's work than my own.
Prayers - I don't know if anyone reads what I say but I have a request. My mother and I have always had a difficult relationship. But my little brother has been threatening her life and I just want a few prayers that God keep her safe. I wish I could, but she doesn't want my help and as hard as it is, unless the doctor says shes unstable, I have to accept she is an adult. Boy is that hard!
There are no support groups for abused parents. Not any that I've found.
It's been a rough year and I am trying to stay upbeat. I miss my friends (a lot of them disappeared when mom was staying with me). But I've had a hard time forgiving the people that abandoned me in my hour of need. So I hope to get over that too.
As for work, I used to like what I do - part of me still does, but its not my dream. There aren't many people who get to live their dreams and the ones that do don't seem to appreciate it. I know this though...when I get published I am going to remember that feeling - and I'm not going to let anything stop me from loving something that I do.
(As long as its not accounting...that is) |
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| On the Run |
[Oct. 3rd, 2009|11:35 am] |
I just ran 4 miles in 1 hour 5 minutes! OK not a marathon speed, but I did it! And I have so much more to do today. The literary festival is tonight and I'm supposed to be there!
Plus, I found out - and I feel really dumb - but there is a NATIONAL ARCHIVES in Kansas City. My own backyard! Can we say research fodder? OMG I'm as happy as a geek at Best Buy with an unlimited budget!!!
Oh and next week - Zombie Walk - I have so decided to go with the Pope costume. Now I need a staff of some sort (I'm not Catholic so I am far from expert!).
I love October...it's my favorite month. Probably due to Halloween and my birthday.
Gotta go again. |
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| Here There Be Zombies |
[Oct. 2nd, 2009|09:36 pm] |
My husband gets some free time from work each year to donate to a charity. He's not usually the giving type - but this year a cause caught his eye so I am going in...
October 10th, is the Zombie Walk 4 Hunger. That's right zombies. We donate 5 cans of food and get made up to look like zombies and stroll through Westport scaring the straights whilst looking for 'brains'. (Sounds like my job every day - except I have no shot at finding them! It's a joke people - lighten up).
So I'm trying to decide...pirate zombie, mad hatter zombie, disco zombie (proving once and for all disco is DEAD) or Pope Zombie the First. I'm leaning towards Pope. Whatever happens I plan to get a lot of pictures.
Brains.... |
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| Today's Produce |
[Sep. 27th, 2009|12:52 pm] |
So our group had a dialogue assignment...write only using dialogue. I needed work in this area and I wanted to write for a change so here's my entry.
I've been a little out of sorts lately - turns out I may have sleep apnea. I hope that's the case so I can get back to the light hearted person I am used to being. If I meet these goals I've set, I am hoping to get back to DII.
Hey Domy - read this ok? I've missed writing things you read! Take care and I promise, some day...it gets better! I really really hope it does.
Cheryl
------
Today's Produce
“There’s one.”
“No thanks – I think I’m going to turn in early.”
“How’s the night shift?”
“Not as good as I thought it would be but it’s a living.”
“Pays the bills.”
“Still have those.”
“Not all of us were able to benefit off a rich uncle or two.”
“Trying to find you a cougar.”
“Someone older yes.”
“I could never understand how you pick them.”
“It’s easy really.”
“You don’t like blondes, you never touch redheads – is it brunettes?”
“No I prefer my ladies a bit silver.”
“The grateful ones?”
“They usually thank me with their eyes.”
“So where is the new job?”
“Nursing home.”
“Doesn’t the smell bother you?”
“You get used to it. The smell is tinged with death.”
“I see the appeal.”
“I knew you would.”
“Any openings on staff?”
“Not right now.”
“You really going to turn in early? Are you going it alone?”
“No, no. My sweet Agnes is going to meet me at 1.”
“Agnes. Do I know her?”
“I doubt it. She’s just in today.”
“What’s special about her?”
“She’s like a fine wine – splendid with age.”
“Nice picture. You really did decide to go for the older ones.”
“I do try to maintain a certain lifestyle.”
“Lifestyle? You mean Vampirism?”
“No. I’m a vegetarian.” |
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| 092509 |
[Sep. 24th, 2009|09:31 pm] |
I feel like something hit me. That happens when you weigh a lot and do 2.3 miles uphill. However the doctor wants me to do this. That and he's going to do a sleep study and thyroid test. Yay. Last year, I only took vitamins - this year I feel like I am carrying a pharmacy.
If the bank comes through I may actually get to take the grammar class I'm jonsing for. I don't think my grammar is terrible, but when all you write are emails all day - it tends to break your style. Besides, it's my pet peeve to be corrected on something and not be able to back up my side.
That and idiots who have to correct everything. Like someone said to me "can you scan this document and mail it to me?" Now I know they mean EMAIL, but sure enough two seconds later I get another request for an email. I know that some things have to be explained, but when it's explained too much, isn't that dumbing down for the reader? Aren't we supposed to give people any credit?
I could argue about critiques but why? The experts speak so much I don't hear them any way. In my day job I was an auditor for about 10-15 years. I have learned it is much easier to pick someone else's ideas apart than to come up with your own. Sooner or later the person with the crit has to back off and accept - if you're not the target audience, it's not written for you and nothing the author does will change that.
A published book is like winning the lottery in some respects. Some things you can control, like buying a ticket or using good grammar. Others you can't...is the market ready, does the ticket have any matching numbers. At least in writing (I am told) there are some things you can do to even out the odds. The problem is most people hide behind vague comments instead of specifics.
aka...bad grammar. Bad critique.
Your sentence here has a grammer problem " insert sentence " here is what I mean..the verb tense blah, blah, blah. I only crit when I feel I have something to say - pretty much like everything else. Most of the time I don't feel the need to repeat what should already be known.
SO my rant is done - except when it comes to writing reports. My thought there is don't blow sunshine up my ass and say I do it best, then turn around and list a 100 things that need to be fixed. If you can do it better, don't waste my time, I have other people's requests I need to get to.
I get cranky when my blood sugar is out of whack. You would too if you felt like someone stuck your head in a microwave and turned it to high. It feels like a hot dog being cooked so long the casing splits open and everthing is inside out. Yeah. That's how it feels. |
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| Weekend Recap |
[Sep. 13th, 2009|06:47 pm] |
The weekend didn't start too well - I sent an email to Thad and told him he needed to think about finding another place. I never see him, I'm constantly picking up things and rent seems a dream I was never meant to have. Unfortunately I am an enabler, so I take in stray - but right now I want to focus on my career, my writing and my health. Not necessarily in that order so the strays have got to go.
I can't afford biped pets anymore.
Saturday - sat and vegged with Connie. That was what I needed.
Sunday - managed 2 miles (2.3 with cool down) and went through the LJ site to read what Domy and Carrie had to say. Domy - please - I so hate the twitters...are you a twit wit?
Carrie - *laughs* I say this like Carrie would actually read what I had to say. Doesn't that sound a little vain? But on the off chance.
I feel bad that someone didn't appreciate your critique, but here's the deal. It's not a pat on the head to encourage someone a little. You know that most people dream of doing what you do and if they have even an ounce of talent - a small (sincere) bit of praise isn't so wrong. I flew for weeks when John DeChancie said he wanted to steal one of my ideas.
Some of us need to be reminded that everything isn't crap - not all the time - not statistically possible. I am sorry that the person ruined your feelings about critiques because I'm sure they valued your opinion. Writing is work (you know that) so most people don't like to be reminded that re-writing is part of it too.
Besides - I'm pretty sure anyone lucky enough to know you (or to be critiqued by you) will eventually figure out what you meant from what you said.
Reading - Finished Storm Glass and I loved it. I put off buying it because I didn't see how this series could be better than Poison Study. I'm a loyal reader and I hate series hopping...I do it, but not often.
Writing - gave up on the dual timelines...This time writing strictly from Elizabeth's point of view. I love this first line and I hope it works as a hook. I may ask Domy through I know Urban Fantasy isn't her thing.
"Several greats back, my grandfather shot a president because he thought the man was a werewolf - so the family legend goes."
I'm going to take a page from Carrie's book and work out a short story first before I work on novel length. Got the framework, and I'll even get a damn grammer refresher as soon as I get the money. Can't help that most of my teachers were big on creative writing and not basics. I just have to work with it.
Here's to another week! |
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| Nothing too special |
[Sep. 10th, 2009|09:29 pm] |
I've been struggling with the novel for about a year (oh God has it been two?)! And I had an epihany yesterday...of course I was in a conference for the day job and couldn't do a darn thing with it. Had to work late to catch up on email after the conference and what I wrote last night died with the reboot...
But that said the PoV seems clearer and that first intro FINALLY came into play. No more dual story lines - short simple and to the point.
1. Break something.
2. Discover something.
3. Resolve something.
There. Now to put it into plot structure. |
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| Another Day in Paradise |
[Sep. 5th, 2009|06:40 pm] |
One more word about DC this year and I'll scream. Bad enough I can't go then I get a stinking ear infection and I keep seeing Atlanta pop up everywhere! Agh!
On the plus side, I've published four articles of late. Economic stuff, and not much for the Sci-Fi crowd, but they do say write what you know. Decided after a few things are checked off I want to go back to school and get a refresher - for grammar. Lord knows I can't stand the books I've bought on it. The problem is that it's boring. When I start writing I just want to pound through to the end without overthinking it.
Isn't that what edits are for?
Anyways - I see a light at the end of the tunnel and the money that went for mom's care is slowing coming back to us. If I really had my dream - there's this cute little missle silo I want to buy. I'd like to have a convention there - to make up for all the years I spent around those dry accountants! I'd call it Sub-Terra Con! Three days without the sun! Just like we nocturnals like it!
Did you know Kenny G studied to be an accountant? They don't make a lot of statements about that. I bet there would be more accounting suicides if it became public knowledge.
No offense, Mr. G, but - isn't accounting painful enough?
That said, I'm going to bang out a little more on the next three articles and then take a stab at - either Whether Magic or Northern Aggression. I think they've sat long enough I can look at them with fresh eyes.
Happy Laborous Day weekend! |
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| Skull Candy |
[Aug. 23rd, 2009|05:37 pm] |
I am so happy! I have the new ear buds I kept meaning to get in my ears. I miss music at work. Love my job, but it's so darn quiet I can't think some days. It will be interesting to see what's still on my mp3 player.
Oh and I cut the prozac out. Feel better on day one than I have in weeks! Of course mom called and ruined it - but I am bouncing back.
My little brother has (probably) knocked up a girl - he's 16. OK, I believe he could do it. I just don't know if he did. I'm a little skeptical since this girl has already stolen mom's credit card and wracked up a ton of debt. So moral character is in question - and not just hers. I wouldn't put it past my brother to make it up with her to scam money out of my mom.
So I take a deep breath and remind myself that it is NOT my problem. I love her, but she won't see what's in front of her and I have to not let that worry get me down. My doctor says I need a mantra to dispel negative thoughts - but I've come up with nothing. Steve, ever the helpful suggested "Die Mommy Die." Somehow that's not the positive idea I had in mind.
It will probably be something musical, knowing me, like "The Beat Goes On.." But less corny (I hope). Been having issues getting out of the house - I estimate leaving the house costs at least $30 or more...which makes me want to stay home! However, writing a little bit about my financial anxiety has helped and I got a couple of columns out of it.
We actually took the dog out for a walk today. It boosted my mood quite a bit - along with the music. I don't do the dark stuff...I like pop. The world is miserable enough - right now it's Madonna's American Pie. Before that it was 1985...I see a little bright light and am ready to tackle a new week.
Just as soon as Steve calls and checks on mom. I can't do it right now - but he can. For some reason her negativity doesn't affect him. He should be a therapist! Guess that's why I love him - he balances me out. |
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| Fried Crap |
[Aug. 20th, 2009|08:22 pm] |
I just took my blood sugar and it was 170 - not bad for after dinner - but I feel like fried crap. It could be anemia or something else. I just haven't been able to stay awake for long. I did get three articles to Michelle and I have three more ready - but it's hard to write when you feel like your body's about to crack open.
I could turn in now - I almost did, but instead I drug myself back to the keyboard. I've been toying around with fairy tales as reality shows. Something short - because I just don't have the attention span I need lately. Why the hell am I so tired? I wish the doctor would give me some answer. It can't be normal to want to sleep 18-24 hours a day. I'm not aiming for normal but walking zombie's no fun.
The bad part about working with medical people is they give you all sorts of ideas of what it could be:
anmeia
sleep apnea
hyperthyroidism
stress
depression (my favorite - but I don't feel down just tired yawning all the time).
Say goodnight Gracie... |
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| Julie & Julia |
[Aug. 8th, 2009|07:04 pm] |
After last week's testosterone fest, (Transformers), I needed something a little more mindful. We went to see Julie and Julia today. I love Stanley Tucci and I think it was wonderful for him to get a leading role!
It's been a long hot Kansas day, but we refinanced the car, went to a movie, bought a few new wardrobe upgrades, sent mom's mail to her and sent the forms to Domy. Farewell, DragonCon...we will see you next year!
I must say it's nice not to worry about those plans anymore - but I will say this - I really hope Georgia Tech loses this year. We probably would have done major damage to our plastic, but we'd have gone if all the Techies weren't booking rooms solid. Can't they just play their little game away from home for once? I'm tired of them ruining DC!
I've started writing some finance articles for a friend of mine. Turns out most writers aren't to financially savvy (at least not the 'creative' ones). I remember a workshop where all these aspiring writers were talking about how to invest their royalties...maybe it's just me, but shouldn't you have a book publised before you're counting paychecks?
The funny thing is, I could be transcribing doctor's notes and still just love it. I feel about writing the way Julia Childs feels about cooking. It's just something I was born to do. I've not worried about what others think (and I still don't) - because I love what I do.
I really hope that I get published one day - but I'm not a failure if I don't. I had a wonderful ride - just doing what I love!
Time to build Rome in a day - Civilizations is calling.
Cheryl |
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| What I thought of just before waking... |
[Aug. 5th, 2009|06:54 am] |
Don’t Read This
Since you have opened the cover, I can only assume that you are a moron. You may as well finish this paragraph as you have nothing else to lose. By opening this volume you have put us both in a precarious situation. Now I must kill you. It’s nothing personal, you understand. Maybe next time you’ll follow instructions. Well, maybe not. You may as well finish the story too, at least I hope you read ‘the’ end before you reach your end. |
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| I think I agree it ill |
[Aug. 4th, 2009|09:37 pm] |
My doctor put me on Prozac, just to get through mom's stay with me. It's over now, but that stuff makes me so tired. People who meet mom tell me what a lovely lady she it. I want to know who they met. I still am traumatized over her pink hair - leave it to mom to not want to be a "blue" haired old lady. She makes me realize why I can't write about 'real' life - it's too crazy!
Then there is therapy. My therapist (again because of mom's arrival) said that I need to stop trying to be normal. It's probably what is making me unhappy! I do, indeed, embrace my odd side, but not at work - sometimes not at home. Still there is that bit of Walter Mitty in me. The kind that has unusual dreams and loves unique people.
If ideas were all it took to be a writer, I'd be all over the place. The problem is that life is so interesting! There are so many things to experience, so much to do and not enough time for it all!
Still bummed about DragonCon, I could use the break after the year I've had. Next year, we just need a year to catch up (we're not far behind).
Anyway, This is what I wrote yesterday. I probably won't show that to the therapist. I'm not ashamed of it, I find it funny in a Monty Python sort of way. But as always I am reminded of Bill Murray's comment in Ghostbusters, "You're scaring the straights!"
Maybe someone should scare them, maybe I shouldn't be afraid to do so.
“What did you want out of life when you were a child?”
“To survive.”
“That’s it? Didn’t you want to be anything or do anything?”
“That’s it. All I wanted was to be anyone else doing anything else.”
“Pathetic.”
“Maybe, but I’m still here.”
“Yes. Yes you are. I think that ends our session today.”
“Thank you, Rebecca.”
“All part of the service.”
It was hard to find a shrink willing to talk to me. After all, I was the notorious Grim Destiny, Destroyer of Souls, trademark pending. Sure I had a lot of soft stuff in the past that made me the way I am, but I liked bundling it all up and leaving with Dr. Beck. She really ought to have opened a Laundromat, much safer, shorter hours and…
BOOM. It would still be there.
Time to find another therapist.
Yawningly,
CLR |
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| Summer Reading and Television |
[Jul. 26th, 2009|10:49 am] |
Books:
I've been a bit disappointed in my favorite authors this summer. Characters that whine are starting to get to me. So you're life sucks? Whaaaaaa....get over it.
It's not that I don't have any sympathy, but for crying out loud aren't things negative enough? I read to escape reality, not be reminded of how much it sucks! Oh and the alternative Sci Fi market is saturated with cheap vampire and werewolf novels. You have to weed to get to the good ones! Some publishers need to be shot, or readers for keeping this trash alive.
My top supernatural authors:
Carrie Vaughn
Kim Harrison
Charlaine Harris
Jeri Ready-Smith
Carrie had me with her short story. Her main character is a were that has a call in radio show that's like Howard Stern meets the National Enquirer (just not as graphic). Kitty is a bit whiney, but she gets the job done. Though I do prefer Cormac to Ben, I like the tension this triangle creates. It's a light and quick read.
Kim Harrison's book titles pay homage to Clint Eastwood movies. If you see a title that reminds you of Dirty Harry I can bet she's behind it! Who thought someone could set a character in Cincinnati and make it interesting? But she does. Kim I will run out to get in hard cover because I can't wait to read it. My only disappointment was she wasn't able to make DragonCon last year.
Charlaine Harris ---Sookie! Awesome character, not an ex-cop, hitman, body guard but someone the rest of us have a chance at being - a waitress! Thank God, for her down home sense and sense of humor. I admit the book covers kept me from buying these, but I was so wrong. Sure, HBO made it a series - but Home Sex Office doesn't do the books justice. Get the series on DVD and fastforward through the unnecessary sex!
Jeri Ready-Smith. This is one author I would love to see write something with Carrie Vaughn! Jeri's radio station WVMP is got a great take on vampires, especially by gifting them with compulsive behaviors! She'x only written two in the series so far, but I can see she's going to be around a while.
There are others - but if I had to be deserted with only these four, I think I'd die a happy reader!
I pray these writers keep their standards, becuase I'm positive no one else is! I won't argue about the other ones. I know some people like Laurel K. Hamilton - I admire her worldbuilding, but not the sex is everything books. If I want to read a good book that happens to have sex, I go to Jacqueline Carey and her Kushiel series. That's how it should be done!
The other that I have met, but just not picked up is LA Banks - met her briefly at DragonCon (which is one of the best Cons to visit). I just didn't have an attraction for her books, but I'll probably pick one up soon just to see if I like them. I'll give anyone a chance - I even gave some three chances - then I took the books to Half Price Books and sold them. Life is too short for bad fiction.
Television
Since ABC Family idiots crushed The Middleman I have been waiting for my DVDs. Thad's bringing home at least two copies from ComiCon in lieu of rent. The show was smart, but it was killed off by being run near dumb shows like "The Secret Life of the American Teenager." I mean, who cares? Couldn't the geniuses at programming notice that "family" doesn't encourage Sci Fi vieweres??? Sell it to SYFY and let us have Javier back! You guys would have killed anything by Josh Whedon too, I bet.
The next best thing is Warehouse 13 from SyFy. It's like the old TV show Friday the 13th the Series. Government agents hunting down odd objects from the stupid people who use them with or without knowing what they do. Interesting premise, sometimes I wish these shows didn't show how stupid humans can be (though we know that they can).
Also, I watched Torchwood - BBC America, it's a Dr. Who spin off. I never had patience for Dr. Who. I think it's becuase my friends dad was obsessive about it. Obsessions turn me off (Harry Potter and Twilight followers, these are the same people who read NY Times best sellers, not exactly who I go to when looking for Sci Fi recommendations). Anyway, Torchwood had an interesting premise (yes I will spoil here), but the ending was....lame.
The only thing it proved is 1) Capt Jack Harkness is an egotistical, cowardly anti-hero and 2) all series are dead when one of the characters gets pregnant. It's like life ends with children, how depressing is that? The scene where Ianto dies, I wanted to yell at Jack, find your balls and shoot the alien! He just killed the guy you loved, come on man! Of course he didn't, he let the moment drone on longer than Paul Rubens death scene in Buffy the Vampire Slayer - the movie.
Brits - you give us such wonderful things...just once can a hero actually be a hero? Or were we just too tired to keep working on Torchwood because every two minutes they had a commercial break for Dr. Who Planet of the Dead? Which, by the way, I refuse to watch after been hammered with it so much. You can shove those and Being Human, no matter how great they are - I won't watch just because I'm practically ordered to.
That's it so far. I hope everyone else has had some luck finding good summer entertainment. I'm still out searching. It is a sad world when the movie event of the summer may end up being GI Joe, or worse Transformers (plotline is disguised). |
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| Back Again |
[Jul. 26th, 2009|10:40 am] |
It's been a rough seven months. Mom had a heart attack in October and she came to stay while she rehabed. I have pictures of her pink hairdo, maybe that's where I get my weirdness from. Now do I thank her or swat her?
She left about June 1st - Happy Birthday MOM! We finally got to enjoy the new living room we had done back in October without her hospital bed staring us down from the dining room. I joined a social group The Dead Horse Society because I wanted to be around writers again.
My friend Michelle has published her children's book on public speaking. She's sending me a copy - I'll buy one too, even in tight times I like to support the arts. Dr. Currie has asked me to endorse his book - I must say it's strange to be asked that from a former college professor, but I told him to forward me some pages and I'd see if I could.
As for me, healths been not the best. Did a three day tour in Overland Park Regional Hospital. Though I did meet the hottest nurse...I swear if I ever need to write about beefcake nurses I have the best point of reference. Too bad, I couldn't enjoy it. Three days and $1800 to tell me what I already knew - I'm abnormal. All my tests came back abnormal except the fun one at the end where they shove a catherer up to my heart by way of my groin. I think that is so long way to go!
But it gave me perspective, three days of nurses telling me I was fine up to I was going to die does that. I called my buddies, just in case and made plans in case not. I guess what I'm saying is I finished a story - I need help with the grammar but I finished. AND after a bit of therapy I had new goal set - something to look forward too. (more about that later).
I might even go back to DII - but I'm not sure yet. I'm just getting back to myself, between the tests and the pills I don't know if I have the energy to keep up with them yet. I was just so proud that I finished something! Plus, I really like this one....
I hope Domy is ok. Haven't talked in a bit. I may ask her if she wants my DragonCon tickets this year (or knows someone who does). I hate to waste them, but thanks to mom's stay we're out of vacation time so they would rot here.
That's me for now.
C |
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| This is the culprit |
[Sep. 20th, 2008|12:03 pm] |
My mom won't give me enough information, so I sent an email to Judy Griffeth at this place to see if I can find out what's going on. Mom means well, but someone has to make these people accountable. They can't keep cashing his checks and then doing nothing but letting some undergraduate kid they hire at $7 an hour administer treatment. I believe I have the right place. I sure hope so. I kept the email short, but it is an election year and if I find this is the right place, I am so going to the Chicago papers.
Allendale Association
P.O. Box 1088
Lake Villa, lllinois 60046
Phone: 888-255-3631 |
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| Solitary |
[Sep. 20th, 2008|11:36 am] |
Ever since the dx (diagnosis) I've been feeling kind of down. My projects don't seem significant. I've never given my hand to non-fiction much thought. I always think reality bites, so why spend time there? However, I need an outlet.
I joined a support group, but they were really snarky. I went to Diabetic Living and I noticed out of 20 writers, only ONE had the disease. WTF? It's like an anorexic giving dieting tips. Oh wait, that's what my dietician is like.
I've also left my other groups. It's probably a time when I should reach out for support, but I've never been good with that. AND I know there are other people who need more help than I do...my friends...how can I put my problems on them now? So I shut down. No writing, no thinking, just daily functioning.
Anthony ran away - my little brother. He's 15 and mom's a basketcase. He doesn't have his medication, and he's been gone a week. No one seems to care. Not the cops, not his case worker. Her name is ANDY and the School is ALLENDALE. I suggest shutting it down. The last time he 'ran away' they took him to the train station but didn't make sure he came back to school. If anything happens to my baby brother, ANDY and ALLENDALE will be facing a lot of trouble. I'm so mad, but Mom won't let me talk to them because I'm not supposed to get worked up. He's FIFTEEN FOR CHRISTSAKE!
What kind of world do we live in? I love my baby-brother. It's been hard on him since Dad died. No one can talk to him and he's the sweetest kid ever. He wants to give his own clothes to the homeless, he's asked Mom to shelter people. His friends have talked him out of countless items (shirts, cell phones, etc). Literally handing the stuff off of his back.
All he wants is to help people and those creeps treat him like a delinquent. They should be in jail. I could care less who wins this election. I want my brother home safe.
Worried.
CLR |
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| Sometimes a Rant's Worth Saving |
[Aug. 24th, 2008|08:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bitchy | ] |
I’m tired of being tired. Sick of hearing how it’s my fault, it’s my weight, it’s my disease. Fed up with doctors that don’t take me seriously, who see me as a co-pay cog wedged into their golf schedules (hey, if they can stereotype me because of my weight, I feel free to abuse my own stereotypes.). Every day is a fight to keep myself going to not just lie down and sleep away the day. Got to get to work so I can afford to pay those doctors!
People tell me I’m too young for this. As if there is an age limit no one told me about. If I just eat better or exercise more or do something I can change. Wow, thanks, like I didn’t think of any of those things myself.
Others say it skips a generation, liars. It hit me, my mother and my grandmother. Maybe someone ought to tell the disease it was supposed to pass over one of us. Oh yeah and mom’s 119 lbs – so their goes your theory about weight, suck on that Dr. Killjoy.
Then there are my friends who are afraid to eat around me, who want to wait for me to get better before we do stuff again. Like the sight of food will drive me into a lunatic binge craze or like I’m going to get better. Am I the only one that understands what ‘progressive’ disease means?
It means shaking when I don’t eat, even when I don’t want to eat. It means eating stuff I wouldn’t poke with a stick before this. It means falling asleep when I want to stay up and visit with my friends. Not being able to go out because I’m sleepy or the side affects of my medications hit me so hard I can’t leave the bathroom.
It means disappointing people who love me or my puppy because I just can’t get out walking her like she needs (and to be honest, I need too). It means being embarrassed at work when I’m late for a meeting and not really wanting to say it’s because I was incapacitated. Even when you work in healthcare, it’s still humiliating.
It means checking my feet and body for bruises and things. It means worrying about losing body parts or my eyesight because I didn’t change enough. No pressure. Then there is the stress of having too much stress. Got to stay calm so high blood pressure doesn’t kill me. When you have Cancer, people feel for your suffering. Not when you have Diabetes. You must have done that to yourself.
I get to poke myself for blood at least once a day, sometimes more if I can’t get a good sample. I have more pills than a junkie. I track my weight, my inches, my glucose level, what I eat, how I felt and who was with me when. Plus I get the added bonus of being able to write all this down so I can relive it all at least twice a day.
I don’t want to go out because there is food out there. Eating out is like Machiavellian torture – it’s like restaurants deliberately do NOT want you to know what’s in their food, even if it kills you. It’s sad when McDonald’s makes it easier to find nutritional information then, say your local diner. Where you have a ‘chance’ at finding something you can afford and can eat.
My grandmother died of the complications, kidney failure, heart attack, etc. There were so many things wrong with her at the end I’m not sure the physicians even know what was the final straw. I remember her in tears because she was afraid to eat and afraid not to. One time she hit a low and I got to hear her babble about how she felt about me while I tried to keep her from hitting the floor. I was 14 and I didn’t know it was the disease, I really thought my grandmother hated me.
Mom and I are going through this together, but she’s managed to get hers under control in a short time. Now we just have to worry about her other health issues. It’s a small ray of hope when there is just too much wrong.
So this is my future?
Not if I can help it. I’m a pretty strong woman, but am I stronger than she was? That little nagging voice (that refuses to let me tie a noose around it) asks will I be able to do enough. And if I don’t succeed (in the end something kills us all), will it be my fault?
So what’s the big deal? I know I’m not alone. Others have these problems and my friends do try to understand. My husband has even changed his diet to match mine. But I know it makes them feel bad, I’m not sure why and them feeling bad makes me feel bad. I’m doing my best to keep up with them, even when I can’t or my body won’t. It’s not contagious as far as we know.
At least now I know when I took off and left them to visit with my husband and took a nap, I wasn’t being rude. I didn’t have the energy to stay up. My comparison is it feels like running on a clear day, you’re enjoying the moment then WHAM! You hit an invisible barrier and you can’t go around it. You’re stuck and even if you need to move on, you can’t. You try to sleep, or sit, or just not fall over.
So you take the energy God’s given you and you do what you can. Trying to remember the small joys and looking to make connections with people that understand. In the meantime, you look for things you can do. Positives. I woke up this morning, for example. I don’t need insulin yet is another. I can’t still see, pretty clearly is my favorite – I’d die if I couldn’t read.
The big deal is that I thought I had more time. Time to do more things. Now I think about what I’m going to do with the time I do have. A day, a year, or thirty years, it doesn’t really matter if I make the most of it. Yet with all the schedules and things I ‘have’ to do now, how much time is left over? I keep those thoughts to myself, wouldn’t want to be accused of being dramatic even though I’m scared ********. It’s all a matter of appearances.
Somehow there has got to be a better solution. I just wish I knew what it was. The only thing I do know is that I’m too tired (at the moment) to look for it. |
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